The Undertaker Down Under

Why I love Steampunk

2011-12-01T20:59:00.016+13:00

Steampunk is a subgenre of science fiction, fantasy, alternate history, and speculative fiction that came into prominence during the 1980s and early 1990s.

Steampunk involves a setting where steam power is still widely used—usually Victorian era Britain—that incorporates elements of either science fiction or fantasy.

The fashion surrounding it is awesome.

Steampunk fashion has no set guidelines, but tends to synthesize modern styles influenced by the Victorian era.

You cannot help but fall in love. It is irresistible. It has it all, mixing up punk, goth, the victorian style all in one. I love these boots, sigh

So you buy stuff... Like this....... And this..... Sigh, so beautiful...

And these....

Steampunk-influenced outfits are usually accented with several technological and period accessories:

timepieces,

parasols,

flying/driving goggles, and ray guns.

Guns, people, did you see that?

Like these guns (no, I didn't buy these) I saw at Armageddon, and then I stalked this cool little steampunk creature.

Works of steampunk often feature anachronistic
(=the representation of an event, person, or thing in a historical context in which it could not have occurred or existed) technology or futuristic innovations as Victorians may have envisioned them, based on a Victorian perspective on fashion, culture, architectural style, art, etc. This technology may include such fictional machines as those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne.

And then it is movies...
Like 9

And why not 'Eye of the Storm' by Lovett

Seriously people, what is there not to love...?

It's been a while...

2011-06-05T09:47:00.007+12:00

Yes, it has certainly been a while, and my poor blog has been left all abandoned.
It happens. This blog has rested, and so have I.

Actually, so much has happened in the last couple of months since my little 'crash' that I haven't been able to really assimilate all that has been going on.

I do feel as if I'm crawling back out from under a rock, squinting at the sun, going "Wow, check out all this life that is waiting out here. How did I miss it?"

Recovery is always a bit tricky, especially if it is more on a mental /emotional level, and not just physical.
It's tricky because you think that you have got so much further that you have, think that you have dealt with past experiences (like the breaking up of a marriage) and it's all full go ahead.

Then, you realized you moved too fast, and you have to back up the truck, slow it down, breathe and actually face it full on.
And what's great about it? It's never as bad as you thought it would be. It's almost the opposite. Is this all it was? Then you tick the 'accept' button, and THEN you move on.

Slowly, without rushing into things you thought would be just excellent for you, but isn't.
I realize I'm being a bit vague about stuff, but really, it's a bit personal... : )

Now I don't like dwelling on the past, I don't think it's healthy at all. People spend far too much time on the past experiences, which are only that. Past stuff. Nothing to do with the future, really. But sometime I think we need to learn from it. Grieve over things that ended, and fully get over it. And it doesn't have to take long, or maybe it does. Who knows. There are no rules. You make the rules. If you want to spend the rest of your life getting over something, then do it. Whose business is it really?
People won't like it, and they have opinions, but one thing I have learnt, and that is no matter what you do, or think or say, there will always be a person with an opinion about it. And it has nothing to do with me. It's about them.

So, one absolute positive is that now I am able to write again. Yuss.

And able to make time for it, and refusing to push it away for all the 'other' stuff that is always more important, like the Responsibility For Everything. The RFE is crushingly heavy at times.

Anyway, life is a bit like that, there will always be good stuff, there will always be 'bad' stuff, hard stuff, new stuff. The key is how you handle it when it happens.
That you know who you are. That, even if you don't like who you are at certain times, you can accept it, not judging, and move on.

Anyway, I'm off to sit in the sun and rest some more. Wicked and wild ideas come when I do.
And I do like that.

Crashing at High Speed

2011-03-20T15:48:00.009+13:00

I crashed today. Not literally, in my car and had an accident or anything.
No, I crashed in my body.
Physically.
My mind is a terrible driver,
I'm starting to suspect it never got a driving license at all.
My mind behaves more like an underaged,
illegal crazed teenaged driver
that somehow is in charge of far more than it is capable of,
like my life!

I thought I was handling things pretty good, looking after myself,
scheduling my time,
doing things that I actually like to do,
training Aiki, learning some chi-gong, building my business(es).

So why on earth did I then think that taking on some study on top of all that
was a good thing to do?
Because I could go back and
do the third year of my degree.
And I don't want to be lazy, and
I can't just settle for what I do as enough, can I now?
Did it fail to notice that we have just moved house and that I am a single mum to two teenage boys?
Ah, this is a teenage-driven mind, it frankly doesn't care.

My mind is cruel.
It drives me mercifully at a pace that is more like just below
'out of control' @ 260 km/h on a windy road.
And it takes all my attention to stay focused on the road.
Any more speed and we crash.

Yes I know the symptoms; the exhaustion, the shallow breathing,
the 'I-have-no-time' anxiety, the feeling of being un-well,
eating fast foods and sugar for fast energy, feeding the moment.

So, remembering last times repeat, I have a strategy in place.
It is called Stop-Drop-Roll (and is used by the fire service for when you catch on fire).

STOP
Stop everything. Walk away. Sit down somewhere that is not your computer. Have a cup of tea. Stare out the window.
Watch the clouds. Watch your thoughts, but don't attach. They got you here in the first place, and thoughts never stop,
so you better detach to what they are saying.
My favorite is just lying on top of my bed (I love my bed btw, I never spend enough time in it), staring out the window.
I'm not allowed to move. I force myself to breathe deeply.
Somehow this seems to calm my mind and I feel able to sort my thoughts and put things in perspective.

DROP
Drop everything. Every project. Drop it like a hot potato. Not dropping it as in not finishing it, oh no.
Just step away from it. Save it, file in, minimize it, walk away.
Pretend you are someone else looking at your life. What does it look like?
What's a priority? What is actually stressing you out? Why? Are you un-organized? Do you resent what you're doing?
Isolate each thing that you do. Write it down. Break the task up.
Have you attached things to it emotionally (this will prove that I am good enough etc)?
Be honest.

ROLL
Roll with the punches. Accept what is dealt to you.
Don't fight it. Don't get even.
Get better.
When things don't go your way, adapt to the changes, keeping moving around,
like a boxer checking out the opponent, anticipating their next move.
Realize that the only person you have any power over, is yourself.
No-one will ever change your life, or make decisions that will make life
better for you, unless you have focused yourself first.

So, this is what works for me.
And although I keep making the same mistakes over and over,
I'm getting better at handling it each time it happens.
I'm taking my mind for a drivers test and a defensive driving course though...
However, first I'm going back to lie on my bed for a while.

Shake, rattle and roll...

2011-02-25T20:56:00.009+13:00

Man, I haven't been here since Halloween, talk about vanishing into thin air, like a ghost.
But ghost I am not, yet.

A lot of things going on, as usual (new year, moved house, back to school, started Aikido etc) but it's hard here in NZ not to think about
anything but the Christchurch earthquake on tuesday the 22 Feb, which has left the the city in shambles.
Many people are still missing, presumed dead under buildings, and people are starting to give up hope of finding them alive.

NZ is a pretty small country with only 4 million people, so something like this affects almost everybody in some way.
It's amazing to see the rescue teams of people flooding in from around the world, and how everybody is trying to keep positive and keeping their spirits high. The leadership is rock solid and a guy interviewed from the UK rescue team he had never seen an operation running so well co-ordinated.

I thought today, yes, this is what New Zealanders do best, help others so they can stop thinking about their own lives. If you can't do anything about your own life, help someone else. Which in this case is obviously turning out for the best.
I don't mean that people should be/are selfish, I just mean that kiwis in general try to be pretty staunch and pretend everything is fine "she'll be alright, mate', and it is with relief that they can rush to help other people. No wonder kiwis are loved all around the world!

Right now a National State of Emergency has been declared, and the national census has been cancelled until next year.
People are working around the clock down down there, and it's emotional just watching the news coverage.
People don't have water, power or sewage. Heck, a lot of people don't even have houses anymore and sleep in shelters! The photos looks like a bomb site and could be from Iraq or any war torn country, not beautiful little Christchurch...

My heart go out to them...

Trick or Treat, smell my feet

2010-10-31T22:25:00.012+13:00

I don't have anything against Halloween, or kids trick or treating, however weird it is that we send our children out on the streets begging for candy from strangers, even knocking on their doors for heaven's sake.

Or the fact that we dress up as 'evil spirits' that people have to bribe to keep away from their doors, which is how it started.
I always make the kids do a trick, and give them something for their (often very pathetic) efforts.

This year, however, I forgot that it was Halloween on the sunday, as every party had already been on the saturday. So, when I hastily and groggily did my shopping sunday morning, I didn't stock up on extra lollies etc, remembering I had enough chocolate FOR ME, which is really, in my eyes, all that matter.

Later that afternoon, having a wee luxurious nanna nap, I got woken up by the first knock on the door. I throw some of my chocolates at the little kids who hadn't made a very good effort on their costumes and carried bags taller than themselves.
Soon came the second knock, and same thing happens.

By now I realize my chocolate stocks are dwindling far too quickly for my liking.

When the next knock appears, me and my 15 year old look at each other. No words are needed, the look says it all. 'Just keep quiet and they will go away'. Which they eventually do after trying to break my door down AND look into the windows.

So being faced with the moral dilemma of having to open the door and send the kids away empty handed (and disappointed) or pretending that no-one is home, I decide on a plan.

I write a note.
The note says: 'To all trick or treaters, we forgot to buy lollies. Sorry' and I put it on the door. This is my nice, friendly way of saying 'please fuck off, leave me alone, I have nothing to give you, hassle someone else.'

It worked a treat (excuse the pun). Until they started using the back door, which I had left open (it's a sunny day) as it leads into my backyard and has a gate which is hard to open.

By now, both me and my son has retreated into my older sons bedroom, which has Playstation blaring at a rather high volume.
Rachet and Clank has never been so mesmerizing. We simply cannot leave. I still hear them knocking and feel bad (it's kids, after all), but I suppress it.

It's then, that I hear The Mother. Yes, capital M. Don't get me wrong. I fully agree that parents should keep an eye on their kids while they are encouraging 'stranger danger' and check for razor blades in the candy. They also tend to stand behind their children, staring menacingly, eyes blaring a silent 'Give.My.Child.Lollies.You.Tight.Ass.Or.Else'
All in the name of neighborly love and evil spirits.

But this mother says, rather loudly, right into my hallway 'Never mind, these people can't obviously be bothered, let's go and find someone else that is nice'.
Maybe her child is actually deaf and she is used to shouting. But at my backdoor?

'Bitch', I'm thinking. I'm feeling bad enough already, which I shouldn't really. Why couldn't she use my front door which has the note on it? What makes her think she can come to my house anyway?

And had it not been for the fact that I was hiding cowardly in my sons bedroom, I would have come and told her exactly what I thought about it all.

I hope her child's teeth rot.
Next year I might get the 'BB' gun out and throw water balloons at them all. Especially the mothers.
See how they like that for a treat!

Hope you guys had a better time!

How to battle Ninjas

2010-10-28T21:17:00.011+13:00

Stray random thoughts move through the mind like Ninjas, sleek, silent and deadly. That's what my last post was about, the Ninja party going on in my head. So, after giving it some thought and dealing with these pesky (but quite cool) 'creatures' / thoughts, I came up with a list.

The following are my proven weapons of choice in how to battle Ninjas.

1. Learn Ninjutsu , the martial art, strategy, and tactics of unconventional guerilla warfare, as well as the art of espionage, mainly practiced by the shinobi (commonly known outside of Japan as ninja).
18 skills, 18 principles and some dead cool weapons! Ok, so this might not be for everyone, I understand, but don't under-estimate the ninjas. Just saying.

2. Sleep. Always works, for fixing everything, at least for me. H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired)? Sleep. It feels better after. Ninja-thoughts hate sleep. Sleeping is time out, and its my only real me-time. I just don't do it enough. Sleep can banish Ninjas as fast as you can say Wakizashi (oh, look it up, will ya)

3. Running. Pound the pavement, the road, the track, the trail, pump the i-pod running playlist, mine currently playing A Perfect Circle, Foo Fighters, Rise Against, Metallica, Alabama 3, 30 seconds to Mars and... Adam Lambert? How the hell did he sneak in there? A Ninja trick, for sure, to slow you down. I don't think Ninjas are fond of running.

4. Pearl suggested Yoga. A bit slow for me, I do like the idea of it, but never the practise... I'm sooo impatient.

5. Martial art other than the art of the ninja. How about Aikido?
Did you know that Aikido means 'The Way of Harmony (of Spirit)? How utterly cool is that. I mean, isn't that what I have been searching for? My spirit, as powerful as it is, is at war, and not just with Ninjas. It has to fight my soul, my flesh, my past, my old attitudes that don't serve me anymore (but that I lug around nevertheless) and so on. My spirit, I believe, is perfect, and will always be. It just needs to be integrated.
A very 'wise' Sensei (and he might laugh at the wise bit, but heck, flattery always works, right?) said recently: "you'll find as you peel back one layer there is something more valuable underneath... the relaxation and centring alone will help with the "monkey-mind". He meant the Ninja mind, I refuse to picture monkeys in there, they can't use the cool weapons or anything!

6. Ok, last, but not least, the mightiest weapon of all. WRITE IT ALL DOWN. Yep, it's true. The pen, and the written word, is indeed, mightier than the sword. Journal, Diary, scrap pieces of paper, note books, computer, stories, empty the head of the thoughts, fill the pages, see the sleek, silent ninjas disappear onto the pages, and they simply won't bother you anymore. For now, anyway.

So, what's your weapon of choice for battling Ninjas?

Ninjas anyone?

2010-10-17T18:45:00.015+13:00

Man, I'm tired again.
Work week over and its sunday (first day of the weekend for me) and here I am tired and just want to crawl into my incredible cosy little bed.
That's where you'd find me nowadays, if I had it my way. No, there isn't anything wrong with me, I'm not sick or anything.

My problem is that there seems to be some kind of a Ninja party going on in my head, where my thoughts are the silent, fast moving, deadly ninjas.
And man, they are going off, doing their ninjutsu with their shuriken and other deadly weapons. Faster than speeding bullets, they don't settle on anything, one thought barely manifests, flits into consciousness, makes an impression, then wooosh, it's gone.
Like a ninja.
Then in comes another. Same thing.
It is almost like my brain can't decide what it wants to focus on, so it just jumps in between, like trying to tune into a radio station but just flicking between, never stopping. Radio Susy - come in!

Now I hate this because I like it when I am focused. That means I am energized and in achieving mood.
I hate this wishy washy in between dream state when I'm too tired to even write my thoughts down. See, that's bad too.
My story is just flapping around in my head, Ninja style.

This is usually a sign that there is a tad too much going on, or that I'm trying to process too much.
I did take up Aikido again and am trying to fit the classes and practice into my time. It is taking the body a bit to get used to.
By the way, here is a pic of the very talented Sensei Dunken Francis, who teaches the classes here in Auckland. Looks like fun, huh.

I really would like to look after myself physically in a fight and not have to suffer bullying and intimidation and fear. I hate those words. I hate those feelings and now with an impending divorce from the alcoholic, I can vow that it won't happen again.

(me as mighty kung fu mouse - except without the kungfu)

For now however, I'm going to have to learnt to deal with those blasted Ninjas. Any ideas?

Some stress are more than just stress

2010-10-03T15:05:00.010+13:00

I deal a lot with stress, or should I say stressed-out people in my line of work (as a remedial massage therapist).
By the time people have decided that they need a massage
is often the time where there is extreme congestion all
through-out the muscles, lack of blood flow and frayed nerve endings.
And they are cranky, and in pain.

There is no point in telling them that if they had come weeks earlier, this state could have been avoided, but never mind.
We are used to the rudeness of people who are in pain, because we know that it's really the pain speaking and after a session, they will walk out feeling different, and MUCH nicer, and appreciative.

Sometimes, however it's a bit different.
A lady brings her sister in to see me, who is over visiting from Sydney. The lady has trouble filling out the form, and says that she thinks she is stressed. I say "That's ok", no biggie, right?
She has been to her Doctor (GP) three times in the last 6 weeks, but he continues to tell her that she has muscle tension (the most common source of headaches), and gives her different painkillers, to alternate.

She can't work because she has trouble formulating words, and feels stupid, so she has stopped. By now she is also crying, repeating that she is stressed.

I tell her that in my 7 years as a massage therapist I have never come across these symptoms as just being 'muscle tension'.
Hello? Slurred speech, numbness and disturbance in motor control? If that is not Red Flags, I don't know what is. And I'm not a doctor, but I have been trained to recognize them.

So theoretically I don't want to touch her with a barge pole, and although I don't say that, I hint.
Long story short, I ended up giving her a light massage to take the edge of, and strict instructions of seeing another Doc pronto as she arrives back in Oz.
She felt a bit more relaxed and off she went.

The other day I thought about this lady, and called up her sister to see how she'd got on.

The sister tells me that she had arrived back in Oz, called up her regular Doc, who was too busy to see her. She finally sees another Doc, and this lady sends her for scans right away. No hesitation, as she should.
Well, there is was. Brain cancer and secondary liver cancer and a death sentence.
Sheez, was all I could say.
Stress? You bet.
Muscle tension? Sure, those symptoms would make anyone tense.
Turned away 3 times from her GP? What planet is he on?

It makes me mad when I think of what this lady has had to suffer to get an answer, and that she was fobbed off as 'stressed'? Surely there must be a limit to 'just stressed'?
Anyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest...

Ps. These types of headaches are called traction-inflammatory headaches and account only for about 2 % of headaches, so DON'T PANIC people, just get off the computer and get some heat into those shoulders and neck, and you will feel better, in case you're starting to panic over that throb in the neck... : )

Cage that movie

2010-09-29T18:19:00.011+13:00

I must say that Nicolas Cage is
and has been for a long time, my favorite actor.

The intenseness of his facial expressions, and just the way his eyes says so much, makes him a pleasure to watch. It also means that no-one does pissed off the way he can. Or crazy mad. Or whatever emotional ride he takes you on.
Even with that not always so great hair. But who cares right? The man has talent.

Some movies, of course, stand out above the others.
'Lord of war', for example, is one of my top Cage movies.
It doesn't matter how many times I see it, I just think it's brilliant the whole way through, especially with the twist in the end that wraps it all up in a nice little packet. Well written, and well acted.
The movie follows the life of a fictitious illegal arms smuggler through true war events.
Some cool quotes:
'There are over 550 million firearms in worldwide circulation. That's one firearm for every twelve people on the planet. The only question is: How do we arm the other 11? ' And: 'You know who's going to inherit the world? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other.'
'There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it. '

Face Off, how awesomely brilliant is that movie? Except for the Hollywood crap where people shoot in all directions but no-one actually manages to hit someone... Big blow-up scenes and all that. The acting however, is so spot on, you completely buy into the concept that they have switched faces.
Apparently (I read), this was meant to star Arnie and Sly Stallone and was to be set in the future. Just as well that didn't happen and we got Cage and Travolta together. A match made in Heaven!

Ah, there are just so many more... I might save them for later.
I just watched Kick-Ass, a movie I definitely rate Top, go Big Daddy and Hit Girl. Sure R18, but not as crude as Sin-City. Watch it!

The Sorcerers Apprentice, a nice little movie. Good hair for NC, but because of it being a Disney movie, we didn't get to see the usual NC intenseness in action.
How about a non Disney movie about the Sorcerer only and the pain he went through to find the Apprentice, while carrying his love in that 'doll', the Griwald? THAT I would love to see.

It's so shiny...

2010-08-23T07:49:00.009+12:00

So this morning a thousand and one thoughts are in my head, racing around like atoms, bumping into each other, coming and going so fast I can't even catch them. Phew. I feel creatively energetic and my mind is so fresh is wants to take everything in, all at once. I can figure out that a person like me with this mental hyperactivity could try some meditation, or at least some fish oils, because actually I think I am border lining adult ADHD...
I try and slow it down, focus it but too much mental distractions.

Also, I was reading some of Dan Millmans stuff (BodyMindMastery) and he reckons that 'Freedom from mental distraction equals power'. Sure, I agree. Focus on the moment, be in the moment, focus, focus, focus... Look, a shiny thing, over there!

Anyway, plenty of good advice all around, as usual. I kinda like Julia Cameron (the artists way) thoughts on doing the 'morning pages' to get all un-necessary thoughts out of your head and then your creativity can flow. Works when you do it, and stick to it. She suggests 12 weeks (I lasted 3 days last time), that could work, maybe and... Look! A shiny thing! (Here is me pointing at the Shiny Thing That Distracts Me)

Ok, so even I get my problem here. I love drifting around in my own little dreamy world, a bit of writing here, a bit of internet here, a bit of philosophy here... Nice. And then I freak out over the fact that I didn't get things done and go the opposite.
So, the adult in me is trying to reign in the child, but still allowing the child to play, because I think that is what it wants.
It wants to paint, daydream, write stories, skip in the rain and laugh till it hurts. The adult is a bit boring at times, but man, we get things done, lol

And last but not least, a wonderful quote that made my day (wait an email just came in better check that shiny thing, back soon).

Where was I. Ah, quote: 'When you feel like you are going nowhere or even stepping backward, you may actually be backing up to get a running start!'

Brilliant.

Oh, look it's raining outside, so preeettty and shiiiiny...

NOTE: ADHD- the energy to do anything, the focus to accomplish nothing! : )

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance...?

2010-08-22T17:54:00.005+12:00

Well, maybe it is, like the title says, that a goodbye is a second chance in life and relationship.
It doesn't feel like it right now, however.
I have just said goodbye to my friend (first) and lover of five months. Goodbye as in, "well I guess this is it."

But it isn't really 'it'. No arguments, no major issues (and best kisser ever) etc.
But it is a problem with me. In my head.
I have no idea how a relationship is supposed to work, yet. I'm still struggling with the breakup of my severely dysfunctional marriage with the alcoholic, and trying to break free of my own dysfunctional patterns of behavior. That seems to take some time, to say the least.

And I feel as if I need to give some time to ME, and I don't have time to give to someone else.
And here is this great guy, who have taught me an incredible lot of how a 'healthy' person acts, and who lets me be the mess I am, and I can't give anything back!
So part of me wants to selfishly hold on, and the other part of me knows I have to let go, for both of us. But I don't have to like it, right? Damn right I don't.
Right guy, wrong time? Yes.
Somehow I hope we can remain friends, keep in touch and all that. I also know he moves on quickly and needs to have a relationship and a women in his life (which is partly why I have to let him go, I suppose), so I will have to see how I handle that...

So yes, I am sad. Having a little pity party, for me. By myself. And sharing on my blog, because well, it is my thoughts here.
I feel as if I am slowly waking up however and I know this has to be done. And life goes on (and bloody on) and I will wake up tomorrow (oh tomorrow? I will still be sad) or in a few weeks time and I will slowly wrap my head around things.
I will hang on to my good memories though, as hard as it was, I had some better times than during my marriage!

Sad Mouse

Boy, I'm bored

2010-08-08T14:18:00.006+12:00

So it's nearly 2.30 pm on a sunday afternoon. I'm still in my PJ's, sitting on the couch with my laptop in my knee. Watching a movie with Nick Cage (Knowing), again. I know what will happen, but it's ok all the same. Actually I should say I'm watching a movie with him IN it, if I was watching a movie WITH him, I wouldn't be on the computer writing this...
Point is, I can't be bloody bothered doing anything else, actually. I don't mind lazy days, but I do mind when my brain isn't playing along.
My mind has no energy, can't think of anything it would like to engage in or do. I think I'm having a case of boredom.
It is very unusual for me.
I am NEVER bored. I adore being in my own company, with my thoughts and little creative projects. It drives me. I can always think of something I would like to do, even if it is things to think about.
So when my mind goes blank, takes a vacation, I feel really shit.
Flat.
Blue.
Restless.
Flat line.
Turned off.
Jaded.
You get the picture. It's frankly boring. Don't want to sleep, eat, read, write or anything.
I know moving around breaks this pattern, but I am in a bit of pain from the last three days of physical work and some running, so that is making me tired and lethargic as well.
Bla, bla, bla.
Glad I got this off my chest.
And on TV the world is about to end. Go figure!

Blog-backsliding

2010-07-28T13:44:00.004+12:00

Oh dear. It has been so long since I visited my blog that I had forgotten my password. Is there such a thing as 'blog-backsliding'?
Yes, I think it is. But you can always come back, right? Get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness, and bang, I'm back in the game!

However once you start sliding its not so easy to know where to pick up, right? Right. A gizillion different things have happened and which thread do you pick up? Where do you start? So many random thoughts allowed to race through my little head without finding their way onto 'paper' (i.e. word file doco), some maybe lost forever. What a shame. But fear not, because it seems that I am eternally doomed (or blessed, depending on what corner you hang in) with loose random thoughts about life, the universe and absolutely nothing.

Like yesterday when I was driving on the motorway from Destination A to Destination B, and there wasn't much traffic. And I have got the music blaring (Muse, at present) and am not really concentrating that hard on what I am doing. So before I knew it, I'm cruising at 100 km, having a smooth ride.
And overtaking (sorry UNDER taking) some slow bro hanging in the middle lane, doing 80km.
And I started thinking about how this is pretty much how some people are in life. Some just cruise faster, some are eternally slow (but get there eventually), and some change speed depending on how they feel at the time, and how much traffic there are.

And so it must be with our comfort zones. Surely they are what set our speed in life. Some need to cruise at 80, while some have do go faster, because it's how and who they are.
I don't have to go faster, but I do if I can. It just feels better, like I am accomplishing something, actually getting somewhere.
It is a false perception, however, and all it does it making me feel better. If I slowed down I would notice more (like how other people drive faster) and still get to where I'm going. But it is a bit duller, noted.

So my point? Well, changing comfort zones are hard, I'm finding out. I have been forced out of mine, and the door of the old has closed behind me. Not much of my old beliefs and belief systems or comfort systems are working anymore, bugger. They all collapsed.
Now I'm standing, bright eyed and shit scared with my back up against the closed doors looking at this big, blank bloody canvas in front of me going "so what? I don't want to paint it, I don't even want to go there, let me back in you bastards" but no. Nothing is happening. Just a big blank white nasty canvas that is my life.

Although I am thinking that I should draw a really, cool fast car. And it will be blue. And a Maserati. Now that would be fun.
Take that, comfort zone. Ha!

Sharks sensing prey

2010-05-17T21:08:00.005+12:00

A small slight breeze of a revelation went through my head just now. It was brief, but it connected where it mattered (grey matter, get it?).

I was wondering why the people around me were acting so strangely, so strongly, taking sides etc. What had I done to deserve all this?

All that has happened is that my ex has an issue dealing with me being in a new relationship. As he is an alcoholic, he does it in the only way he knows, and it is intensely. As he hasn't got alcohol, he focuses with the strength of an addict on the problem, which is my betrayal etc. Or whatever. Who knows, and who cares, right?
I have then coped with him going to my friends, the church (who has asked me to go away) and coming into my house uninvited where my children and new man was. Then he went on to email and upset my parents in Sweden, and that, I cannot tolerate.
They are old(-ish) and worried about me being so far away as it is. And here is this person telling them that I am sick, depressed and need help. Ok.
I get txts that are angry, then txts to apologize. And I do not answer back.

So I posted on Facebook to ask if anyone knew a lawyer, as it is good with a personal referral. I just wanted to find out about protection orders etc, but I didn't say that.
And I get mixed responses.
The people who knows me just supports.
But some have strange reactions. Some almost abusive.
And his other ex wife tells me to get a grip (why is she my 'friend' anyway?) Fine. Actually, it sounded more like the ex himself than anything else, thinking about it.

And then I start to ask myself, why am I getting these reactions? Why are they picking on me? What have I done that is so wrong by just trying to do the best thing? And why isn't people asking me why this is happening? Why the attacks?

Change. That's why.
I'm upsetting things. It start a chain reaction.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME!
It is about the other people, their triggers. No one actually gives that much of a shit of what I am going through.
They are feeding on the drama, like sharks sensing prey.

I just want it out of the way. And the only way to do that?

Don't feed them. If there is no blood in the water, the sharks will leave. Simple as that.

I am ok, and I am doing ok. I was thinking they were attacking because I was weak, but they are attacking because I am strong.
So, not only am I powerless over other people, they are powerless over me.

Can I get on with my life now?
Absolutely

Picture speak

2010-05-12T07:15:00.003+12:00

Ah, a picture says so much. Ever lived with an alcoholic who doesn't know he is an alcoholic?

What more can I say? I certainly relate to this, and I am so grateful to be out of that marriage / relationship!

Sinners and Saints

2010-05-10T19:21:00.005+12:00

Well, this deserves a post.

I know most non-religious, non-christians will want to be on my side, but this is not about putting the church down, or taking sides. Really. It's not.

For me the following is about having lived my life as a co-dependent people pleaser for a long time, and having been slowly and masterfully manipulated emotionally by another person. And I let them, of course, because I was naive and stupid, still in a child's state of mind, and didn't know better.

So what has happened is that I have started a new relationship. With a man, who was my friend first. Who is not a Christian. But has values and lives a healthy, normal, nice life at least in comparison to my ex husband, an alcoholic who pretends to be a Christian. Let's just say the ex has 'issues'.

Most of my friends are happy for me, encouraging and life goes on, and I am coming out of my shell, finally, and enjoying this newness.

Now, for the Christians, on the other hand, especially the ones I called friends at my church, this is an absolute outrage. Hell in a hand-basket type of thing. Why?

You see, I'm still legally married. We have been apart one year (with some half-arsed attempts to reconciliation during that time, I shudder at the thought) right about now, but NZ law states that you have to be apart two years before you can divorce.

So, right now, I'm committing adultery. Having an affair. Breaking the commandments, living in sin. Etc, etc.
Not because I'm having a relationship, I suppose, but because (and don't say it out loud) we could be having s e x...
Shhh, that's just naughty!

Of course it makes matters worse that my ex (the pretend christian, remember) is running around telling everybody how CONCERNED he is about me and this other man. Pleeeezzzeeee..... He is jealous as hell that he wasn't man enough to be my husband.

Anyway, I have now had a conversation with a lady that I called a friend, who without once asking me how I was, how I felt, how my life is going etc, told me that there is an issue now at church as both me and my ex goes there. So they might have to ask me to leave. Never mind that he said he was leaving for 6 months to give me space (my church first, you see), but he just couldn't do it. Of course not. He has never kept his word once, he is an alcoholic who thinks he hasn't got a problem.
Another lady e-mails and asks "what am I doing with my life?" and "that I should go to God before I mess up".
Build a bridge people. Get over it.

Apparently (but don't quote me on this), sinners aren't welcome in our evangelical spirit filled church. Say what?
And why is my husband more important than me? Because he is moaning louder? Because he acts as a victim, and I am busy getting my shit together, living life? Well, that's how they make me feel.

Is church the perfect place for a co-dependent person where you get told what to think, say and do, and if you don't, you're out?

I actually like church. I like my church. I intend to go to my church. I go to get closer to God, and worship amongst the other saints. I wonder if they will stop me? That would make a great testimony to the non-Christians. I'm sure they are running to the Lord right this minute. I wish they were.

But my life is about making a stand for me. And I am Powerless Over Other People, but it seems as if they are trying to have power over me? Again...

I don't even feel bad about it. I feel great about it. Even if this relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason in the future, I have still made the most out of NOW, enjoyed some freedom and learnt a great deal about myself and my church...

Recovering in progress, but not out

2010-05-04T07:36:00.008+12:00

It feels weird to say that you are in 'recovery' when you are not an alcoholic. You forget that so many people don't understand the terminology and mindset that drives us to these help groups (AA, Al-Anon).
It's a bit like going to church, you get used to the church 'speak', then people look at you and wonder what on earth you are talking about, "who's the enemy you're talking about?" etc.

I can't help but wonder about the recovery though.

Yes, I understand that I am recovering from the effects of my learnt behavior that I developed in response to certain 'other' people.
I understand that I have had an awakening, a wake-up call, a realization, a slap in the face, a veil removed etc and finally realized that how I am behaving isn't working for me anymore.

And yes, there was an alcoholic involved, and probably was from the early start (although the behavior was addictive, I'm not sure about the drinking from that person) when this type of behavior developed.

But when am I 'IN' recovery, and when am I 'OUT'?
When the 12 steps are finished? Are they ever? Not for an alcoholic, they are not.

This is an ongoing process, surely.
Life is about growth, and this spiritual / general awakening is the first step to a more normal functioning behavior (amen to that), to healthy relationships (amen to that too), to life, really!

So then to say that, yes I am in recovery, I have to know a) something wasn't working for me and b) how I want things to be and c) what I am ACTUALLY recovering from. So yes, I understand when recovery starts (point of awakening) but I don't think the process will ever end?

What brought all this on was a line I read about how not to try 'using a new relationship as a recovery tool'.
Hmm, I thought, this is hard to do if you subscribe to the belief like I do that you can and should learn from all relationships / events etc that happen in your life. Although not rely on it, but be open to growth that comes from things that we open ourselves to.

Like a new relationship.
Sure, in a perfect world I wasn't ready for a relationship. But then one came my way. And I didn't run (but I considered it, and haven't ruled it out).
And yes, it has brought up issues, definitely, and have forced me to look at some past things that has not been dealt with before. Old stuff.

And there are emotional triggers, oh yes. But the difference is, this person is not an alcoholic. Not a reactive person, and does not have the 'behavior'. It's almost weird not to be around it, like as if something is missing.

And for me, one little step forward results in vulnerability, newness and being scared shitless at times, trying to pull back.
I'm not entirely trusting, suffer from feeling stupid over emotions that are so new that the frustration of not being able to express them is overwhelming.

But I wouldn't say I am using this relationship intentionally as a recovery tool.
However it does work as one, because life works like that, doesn't it?

Alien youth

2010-04-14T22:53:00.002+12:00

So, my house has been taken over by aliens.
They have invaded, conquered and they rule. Or so they think.
They haven't taken the whole house mind you, they seem quite satisfied with having set up their control center in my lounge.
They are a weird and wonderful species, sometimes totally unpredictable, quite harmless and not always too bright.
What they have in their favor is sheer numbers, persistence and attitude.

Teenagers.

The x-box has become live and every game seem to revolve around death. Assassins Creed, Halo, Bio shock etc.
They have a natural affinity for the stuff.
And then of course there is the music.
When did they become THAT angry?

Yes, I know I sound old. I was also angry and incredibly rebellious when I was a teenager. My guys haven't got a patch on me, but I won't tell them, and I don't think they would believe me either.
However the worst music I had was the Clash, Sex Pistols (in small doses, I did have taste after all), Motley Crue and Iron Maiden.
I think Papa roach, Slayer, Trivium and Avenge sevenfold (to mention some) and that death screamo metal the kids listen to, have really taken it up a few notches.

David Bowie is a mellow cat compared to Bullet for my Valentine. The Rolling stones and Led Zep refuse to go away and die in a corner. They were straight up sex, drugs and definitely rock'nroll.
Now the music seem to be even more about sex, drugs and don't mess with me, it's all about me and I'm f#*%d off - kind of music.
Yes, I do sound old.

I mean we had the eighties, and that was bad, the hair, the music the clothes, no doubt about it.
Actually could that be why the kids are rebelling today? With their skinny jeans, black T-shirts and carefully layered hair (that needs to be straightened every morning and yes, I am talking boys here).

Not that anyone can actually see them behind their computer screens, hiding behind a WOW-character or x-box. Just saying.

I must admit I feel a bit of sympathy for my parents. Perhaps it is my fault that they look so old and worn?
Maybe they never recovered fully? Nah, I can't have been that bad. Maybe I will call them and apologize, again. Or get some tips of how to survive.

Anyway, I'm going out there to start a war with these aliens.
I'm re-claiming my house.

Oh to be yoked... or not?

2010-04-12T23:42:00.006+12:00

Relationships are interesting, aren’t they?
All our lives we want, search for and have relationships. Finding ‘The One’, the right one, the mate, the one we want to spend most of our time with. Have sex with. Chill out with. Be best mates with etc…

So, as in my case, after a while you end up with a whole lot of relationships, or shall I call them ‘try-outs’, that haven’t worked out that well in the long run. For whatever reasons, some more obvious than others, they don’t work out. Familiar story, of course.

And so, after all these ‘wrongs’, you have a spiritual awakening, as I did.
I am grateful for that, obviously, because only God knows where I would be right now without Him. Maybe dead, who knows.

But now, it gets tricky. Of course we still want a mate (and I am using the word ‘we’ here, so I don’t feel so singled out), but, let’s face it, yes I (me me me me me, it’s all about me) still want a mate, right. So here I am not actively searching but you know, am open to what comes my way.

And suddenly it actually does. You know, someone ‘happen’ to roll into my life, just like that.

But he is not a Christian. Not a born again believer. Not a man of faith. Does not serve the most high God and does not have a personal relationship with Jesus.
Do you shoot him down, in flames? Do you say ‘I rebuke you in the name of Jesus, go away’? (it has to be said in a dark ,deep ominous voice if you do this).

No, of course you don’t. Why would you? That's just silly.

So now I come against a very interesting Christian concept.
The yoke thing (please don’t get me started on the no-sex-before-we-are-married-thing). To be equally or un-equally yoked - that is the question.

A yoke is a device used to hold two animals together. If you are an ox attached to another ox for the purpose of work, then the two of you cannot stray in different directions. If one isn't carrying an equal amount of the work, then they are unequal and the work isn't done efficiently or sometimes not at all.

Basically it means that you are on the same path spiritually. That you have the same beliefs, same values. If you believe different things and have different goals in life, you'll be like the two oxen pulling in different directions.

But isn’t that the same for all relationships? And isn’t that why we are dating? To find out if the other person has the same values as us, to find out who they are? To learn about their dreams, their hopes, their hurts and their souls?

And isn’t it wrong to judge someone because they don’t have faith?

I mean, if this other person lives morally with great values, and have great qualities, in my eyes it makes him a better man than the Christian man who doesn’t live by it. And I have seen that pretty close.

And who wants to be yoked anyway, really? Is that a good thing? Is it a submitting to God thing?

I don’t really have any answers.

I have faith.

When I first ‘got saved’ my husband put me down, put the church down, put Christians down and put Christianity down as well. It wasn’t a great time, and I left him (again) but as usual he talked his way back in (how weak I was really, I’m thinking now, being as usual hard on myself) as he followed me to church.

So now I meet a man who doesn’t have faith (just like I didn’t) but doesn’t struggle with the fact that I do, and who let’s me be who I am on all levels, which is incredible liberating for someone who was yoked to a believer who made my life miserable (ok, I let him). Well, was married to one, anyway.

I’m feeling strongly that as long as I take responsibility for my own walk with God, and take each day as it comes, that is really all I can do, surely.
Who knows what’s in store, or what can happen, anyway.
All I know is that life is happening right now, and I want to be in it.
The rest is surely up to God?

Snow White in Revelation City

2010-03-24T08:58:00.003+13:00

This morning on my way from the bedroom to the kitchen I passed under the great arches of Revelation City. Something fell out of the sky and hit me smack in the face and I stopped and went "Ahhh....'
Problem is, I can't remember exactly what it was now. It passed through my mind at a great rate of knots and went in one ear and out the other.
So much for that.

I do however remember the lines I was thinking along. I was thinking about how I would explain my need for seeing a councilor.
Of having the need to talk uninterrupted, and having someone reflecting on my thoughts, a person who was a stranger (because it is easier to talk to strangers).

I was thinking about that getting to know someone else's soul is really a way of getting closer to God as He created that person in His image and has placed so much beauty in there.

I was thinking that to get to know someone else you have to look beyond the physical barrier and look for the pain, the twist in their character that and find that pivotal point that shaped them. Some people possibly look for the love and values, but me, I want to know their pain, cause then I understand them better.

This made me think of my own twist and what shaped me. My twist that said "If I don't please You, you won't love me for me."
Or my pain that says 'You can't love me"
Little did I understand that the inability to love me came from other peoples fear, and wasn't my fault.
Now I know, that I am set free.

However this was not my trip to Revelation City. All that happened before I got out of bed. So, do I got o a councilor because I want them to fix the twist in me? No, I go for insight into the twist in me. I go for the ultimate goal of peace of mind, of laying the past to rest and live now.

Then I read this in the morning Herald and back I went to Revelation City:

"We can all identify moments in our history that have sabotaged our success. It dawns on you the feeling you have inside yourself is that you're a bit like Snow White - you're kind of waiting for rescue.

"Someone to come and intervene, kiss you on both cheeks, wave a magic wand and take you by the hand. Then it dawns on you no one's coming. And that's a rude awakening."

That, good people, is the pivotal point of my whole existence as I know it. I am a Disney Character! : )
Not just any Disney character (well I always said I wanted to be a Disney princess living in a Disney movie. More Pochahantas, actually).

I am waiting to be rescued. And it aint happening. Sigh. No more apples for me.I think I will just stick to chocolate from now on. Seems safer.

The race is run, with endurance

2010-03-22T17:08:00.005+13:00

Well, am I glad that is over.
The run was long and slow and painful. Phew. My training never got a chance to cover the whole distance, so after 14 km, I had enough. Which made the last 7 km slow and agonizing. No, it wasn't that bad. But it sure felt like it.

We had a relay team in the Auckland half ironman, so one guy swam 2 km, the other biked 90 km, and I ran 21 km.
This meant that I had to wait around for many hours before it was my turn.
The swimmer was kind enough to run the last 7 km with me, telling me jokes, and cheering me on.
I think it was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me, haha.

The day was awesome all in all. We ended up celebrating with cold Coronas and pizza. What better way to finish off a days exercise with some junk food and beers?
Finished off sometime in the early hours, and suffered the next day, but it was worth it.
Here is a pic of our team. I am the girl, just in case you didn't quite get that!

Now I was hoping I could sit back, grew old and fat and never run again, but apparently I am to keep training?
It will be short distance though. It is quite a nice feeling to get fit. Will see how long that lasts.

Here is me getting a post event massage by my friend who did the short course.

Anyway.

Right now the x-files are on. Scully is talking to a guy (who is actually the killer but she doesn't know that) who says he is a writer. He says it is his job to imagine how people behave, and to notice people. He is also quite taken with Miss Scully. He says he lives in his head.

It is what writers do, though, imagine how people behave. I do like that observation. I miss my creativity, it has been poorly neglected. Too many stories build up in the head, causing congestion and confusion.
I wonder what it is like for people who are not able to write it all down? What do they do? Drink, perhaps? Push it down?
Maybe they don't think at all, I'm not sure. probably they don't think like that, anyway, and live in their head.
I think I live more in my head than anything else.

Ah, the dilemma, to kill or to let live...

2010-03-09T22:15:00.004+13:00

I wrote some poetry tonight. Or rather, I put a whole heap of 'feely' words together, which is probably how poetry gets born. It was inspired by a friend lending me her i-pod so I could listen to the album Lungs by Florence and the machine. Inspired, yes. Bought the album instantly of ITunes? Yes.

Anyway, I am not sharing that poetry word thingy just yet. It's a bit dramatic and I am a gentle people pleaser (and hating it) so I won't unleash it on the world (or to you brave people who pop by my blog). The people pleasing has to go though, it's killing me. Doesn't mean I am ready to share my 'feely' words yet.

No, I have a dilemma to share.

I have a cockroach who lives behind my dryer. "What's the big deal?" I hear you say. 'Kill it!"

Well, thing is, firstly it is not a real dirty, horrible, detestable cockroach, which I must say is my absolute hate in this world. It is a native black stinky thing that looks very much like a old-world dinosaur relic of a cockroach. But it doesn't quite have the legs. Well it does have legs but it doesn't scuttle quite the same. That makes me shiver just writing it, about the legs. Yikes.

And the laundry is outside of the house. So technically he hasn't breached the boundary of the house (cause when he does, he is dead) so he is almost outside. Clever thing is in neutral territory. And I know he is by the dryer cause I have accidentally upset him twice. Can't remember if I screamed loudly both times or just the first.

A real cockroach makes me scream, cry, call the police, fire brigade etc. You get my drift. I get my children to dispose of any I can find, if I don't have the TNT available. Or fly spray.

I have been knows to put a glass over them until someone comes who can dispose of it. Once, I kept a roach under a glass for a week. Bastard was alive and well until some hero came and flushed it down the toilet. I don't like that however, I mean, what if it survives and comes back up...? Just saying.

Once, because it was late evening and I found one, I put a cup over it. Then I thought, 'Oh, someone will get up at night and kick the cup and the roach will escape. So I put a big ceramic bowl over the cup with a large note with black writing saying 'DON'T MOVE THIS'. I explained to my kids that the roach was huuuge, and they were really interested, until they saw it. They laughed, the insensitive things they are.

So why this issue with the black bug in the laundry? I just can't make myself kill it. I don't hate it enough, I suppose.
I live by a scenic reserve, after all. And it is summer. We have bugs for Africa here. Weird things I have never seen before (because in Sweden it was to cold for anything to survive).

Although, I just want to make it clear, that if that bug sets one antenna inside my house, he has gone to far, and he will not survive.
Just saying...

Pockets of air

2010-03-08T20:05:00.003+13:00

If you haven't heard the great (aussie) band Powderfinger, I suggest you hit youtube right now and check them out. Superb. If I knew how to download a video, I would add one here.

My favorite song at the moment is called Pockets, and it is my 'happy song'. Especially for the lines that goes
'Little pockets of air, in the atmosphere, make it easy to breathe'.

As I was singing along in my car (while driving to my massage appointment) at the top of my voice, I thought about these little pockets of air.

To me they are the small blessings that come and make your day. Little things that go my way, a phone call, something I read etc.
Just another little push from the man upstairs that says "Hey, it's going to be ok..."
Pockets of air, in other words. Love them.
The song makes me smile everytime.

So yes, somehow, it is going to be ok.

How do you see yourself?

2010-02-26T08:26:00.004+13:00

I had so many topics and blog posts written in my head that now I don't remember any of them. Go figure.
My head feels a bit like a tumble dryer. This is mainly because of Al-anon and me making a start at creating some honest change in my attitude and behavior.

Change is hard. You can ask God to remove all sorts of things, but he isn't magically (or supernaturally) going to just remove the pain, the hurt, the anger or the resentment. Oh no, you have to actually physically let it go.
I don't handle change that well, but I am noticing that it is happening, so I am just riding the wave (to the palace of the king - kudos to you if you know THAT song) so to speak.
Hence the tumbledryer feeling.

I got a glimpse last night how and that Al-anon actually works. It was one of those meetings when the chair person picks a topic and loads of people share, including me, bravely, I might add. Talked about anger, awareness and acceptance. I might slowly becoming aware, I am thinking. Aware of something
Not accepting, yet.

Angry? Oh yeah baby. At whom? Not sure. Myself, perhaps. The husband who drinks? Maybe, but his type of personality has been with me all though my life. Anger at feeling years wasted trying to be something for other people that didn't work? Anger at wasting time and years? Sure, it's there, but I don't see how that anger is serving me now, except it keeps on dragging up old stuff. Maybe that is how you get rid of anger? You let it all come up to the surface, like pus in a wound (niiiice...) and then it explodes and then it is gone?
Or maybe it is resentment? I do have an affinity for that word. Resentment. Yes I do, Sir, quite a lot, Sir.

ARGH, quick, dramatic rescue of pot left boiling rice on the stove, just as well it was turned down low, just started sticking and burning on the bottom. It has been there for ages now... Nearly ruined my lunch for work. : )

Where was I? I was talking to a lady yesterday, and in the conversation we talked about images of how we see ourselves. She used the image of an Oak, strong roots, branches, dependable etc, but not flexible etc.
I said I saw myself as Rabbit in Winnie-the-Poo, you know little rabbit who worries, makes list, does a trillion things and have to do them right. He is Responsible, Practical, Stubborn and likes to Organize things.

Or it's the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. "Oh, I'm going to be late (for a very important date), nervously hurrying, scurrying.

My God, I am a frikking bunny? What happened to the Lioness, the Cheetah, the Eagle?

Once, in my New Age saturated time of life, I read a book about your spirit guide being power animals. The exercise was that you focused and prayed about it and then you would eventually dream about your animal. So I paid real good attention to my dreams for about 5 days, anticipating this strong, powerful animal to appear.
The only thing I dreamt about? A squirrel. Yep, that was it. I have never forgotten it, it still makes me laugh. Funnily enough, sad as that it, it kinda suits me.
Bunny, squirrel. Sigh. I think I will go and collect some nuts now...

Sleeping at the wheel

2010-02-16T19:20:00.004+13:00

I was thinking of writing this post about sleeping at the wheel, but I'm too tired...
And hilarious, obviously.

I think it's the training. And the heat. It's sticky hot, squeezing energy out of me like a sponge.
Funny how they say exercise gives you energy? Liars. It zaps you and makes you tired.
I think exercise that you do because you want to, probably does (does anyone actually really want to?) make you more energetic.
Exercising because you are panicking about the distance you have to run (can't let the team down) in a far too near future makes you push it, and it makes me tired.

So I surround myself with people who push me. People who time every km we run, ("oh, that was a bit slower than the last km, shall we pick it up a bit?" Yeah, and how about I kill you right now?) who are always keen on some more running, cycling, swimming, paddling, gyming. Nutters, in other words. Or my trainer who just smiles sweetly (he thinks) and says "Oh, come on, ONLY TWO MORE of whatever those horrible exercises are called. Squats with weights, I think. And then I can't walk for the next two days, and he just smiles and shrugs his shoulders. I call him The Nazi, but not to his face, because he scares me : )

However, I am incapable of pushing myself on my own. At least enough for it to make a difference.
Yesterday I cut 3 km on my run because after 10 km I was bored out of my skull. And I was on my own, so I could. I didn't even bother justify it in my head.

Which could be one reason that I never really finish my projects. As soon as it gets a bit hard, or a bit painful, as in EFFORT is needed, I bail. Which could also be why I remain in the same place pretty much the whole time.
Which is why I have drawers of unfinished writing projects, or worse, finished projects that are still lying around.

I love starting new things. I am a starter. My strength lies in thinking up great ideas, new ventures, then organizing every little detail until the project is ready to go. Then I get bored and want to move on to another great new thing. I just need someone who steps in and take over the new set up.
I am not a finisher, a concluder of projects. I am not a hanger-on-er, or hanging -in-there- kind of a person, at least not when it comes to the things I do.

I finish reading books. I finish my days (every one so far), I often finish my meals. I'm struggling to finish this, because I want to go and lie down (it's nearly 8 pm for heaven's sake).
The beauty of that however, is that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will be rested, happy, and rearing to go (and I don't even drink coffee, but don't hate me for it).
And that means, that I will probably sit down and finish something, just like that!

Ps. Temperature 26 degrees, light winds and 80% humidity.

Speeding

2010-02-07T22:59:00.004+13:00

Oh my goodness, I nearly fell off my little blog horse there!
I feel as if I have been driving at a constant speed for quite some time now. It is amazing how speed just creeps up on you when you think that you are cruising along nice and slow (I was on holiday a second ago, I'm sure) and suddenly, bang! The speedo is up and your cruise control re-sets automatically. All the while I was thinking how aware I was being, how in tune I was and present I was.

Oh, I'm not necessarily stressed. It was just a little assignment that found its way back to me from the marker (no, not Maker), and needed a little more attention. Read: "If you want to pass this, you need to re-write this essay on exercise physiology".
Yay! Just what I needed in my life. Something to take up more time. But, funnily enough, it proved a blessing in disguise, as usual.

I was the first to admit that my essay sucked big time. What had I been thinking? Not a lot, obviously. And writing about pre/post training fuel and hydration was just what I needed for my own training. Made a huge different. I am still running slower than I would like to, but at least I am running.

Although, today I had to take a day off. It was sunday and supposedly a long run day, but I was knackered. Work has been busy, and it is physical work, too. So there. I am seeing my trainer tomorrow so I will make up for it.
So things are busy, but good busy. Slowly getting my new business up and running, but that had been put on hold as well, only for a week, mind you, but it felt like forever (I am very dramatic like that, sorry).

Anyway, I think I will scoot off to bed (I love my bed), it's the best part of the day, ahhhh......

Forgot to say thanks to Kathy for my little Happy 101 Award, but I have been too busy to even think about 10 things that makes me happy. I can honestly say that one thing that makes me happy and that I am thinking about right now is... My Bed : )

First time for everything

2010-01-27T08:33:00.004+13:00

My son got his first car yesterday. His dad bought it for him. My son is only 16, and I am having a hard time letting go. Who gave him the right to grow up without asking me permission? Doesn't he know how people drive out there? Doesn't he know people die on the roads? I try not to think about it, but my baby driving is something I am not adapting to. Yet.

He is so proud of his car it's not funny. His eyes light up at the mention of it. And it is a good little car. Not too powerful, not too new, but just enough.

Sometimes we have things in our lives that are like that. It is not the best, but it is not the worst. It is just enough, and we should count our blessings. Sure, it's a good thing to strive for something better, but in doing that, sometimes we miss what we actually have. Enjoy it, while we can.

I was considering seriously to move house, to be closer to the busses and schools etc. Told myself I needed a slightly smaller house, and all that. Until I suddenly realized that the house I am in might give me a few extra km's to drive, but it serves the purpose of everything we need. There is nothing wrong with it. Actually, it's quite comfy. It's not the best, but it is certainly not the worst, by any stretch. And it might mean living opposite a prison, but the rest of the area is pretty good. Scenic, almost rural but close to the city at the same time.
So I'm staying put. The house is just enough for me. I'm gonna enjoy it for a while longer.

Now I have to get back to the busyness of the week. A lot of things are going on (good things, mind you), but I need to be so many different places instead of in front of my computer.
See you on the other side.

Some like it Hot

2010-01-20T22:32:00.008+13:00

Well humidity is up at 85% right now, and it is sticky. It doesn't matter if you drive with the windows down, it is still sticky. Went for a run yesterday and thought I was going to die. After 8 km without water, I thought I was on fire, went straight into a cold shower after. Nothing like a bit of dehydration to brighten up the day! I was looking pretty bright too in the face, I must admit.

Life is a bit like that, too. Sometimes it just keeps heating up, things get a bit sticky, but we keep on going, keep on running. Because we think we can. But sometimes you have to slow down. Chill down. Hold back a bit and wait for the cooler part of the day.
You know it is hot when the tar keeps melting on the road. Either it is hot, or NZ has really bad roads. Or both. You didn't hear that from me though.

I'm in the middle lane right now. I am cruising at a comfortable speed that is not too slow, but not too fast. I am in the right lane, and cars just keep on giving way. I have a free run and cruising with the windows down (because it ain't the same to cruise with the air con on - even if it had been working) and the music loud in my ears.

I'm setting up a new business and I love the setting up part, organizing the details and putting systems in place. I am definitely an ideas person, a detail person, not so much a finisher as I am a starter. This is my 'thinking-ahead-more-than-just-a-week' project.
Except I have a race to run in less than 3 months, as we formed a relay team at work for the Auckland Half Ironman. Now I am running another half marathon (in the heat? Are you insane? No, don't answer that) and I better finish that one, even if I crawl over the finish line.

SOL - thanks for the five words for the MEME game.
Here are mine:
Sunset - standing on a beach, with the sun bleeding out the sky after a long day, disappearing into the ocean, and fall of the edge of the world, leaving just the sun burn behind
Pickle - made me think of a tough situation, I hate being in a pickle and not knowing which way to turn. Also made me think of gherkins from Burger King (cause I am so deep I'm drowning)
Glitter - FAIRIES! Or little girls dressing up as them. Children's play, in other words
Placid - This makes me think of a movie called Lake Placid, I don't know why? The movie is about a giant crocodile living in a lake. For some reason the cover of the DVD has always stuck in my memory. I have never seen the movie.
Sprout - Bean sprouts! Small, little budding green things that are the bees knees when it comes to nutrition. And small children, too, are sprouts. Sprouts are fun (because as a kid we grew them in glass jars)

I love this game!

Guilt-free driving

2010-01-17T14:59:00.008+13:00

Have you ever had that feeling that you want to jump in your car and drive, aimlessly, no caring where you are going? You just want to enjoy the feeling of going somewhere, of being free and a bit irresponsible and you don't care where you end up? I suppose that is called spontaneity. Haven't got too much of that hanging around my house nowadays, I work so well in my little routines that I completely forget about spontaneity at times. But I tell myself it's ok. I'm getting better all the time. I try and choose what I want to do and not let others choose for me. Structured spontaneity, as the oxymoron would have it. I am sure I can be spontaneous when I want to.

There is one thing though that I am seeking answer to, and there is nothing spontaneous about it. I hear about compassion, compassion for the alcoholic. About how he is sick, has a disease etc. And I agree with it. Alcoholism is a horrible disease in it's own right.
My question then is, how about my marriage? A marriage is 'in sickness and in health' right? So am I not doing the wrong thing here, leaving my husband because he is sick? So much for my vows then. Didn't they mean anything? I promised, but now I am walking out the door. "Bye, bye, sick husband, I am not standing by you anymore, I wanted a healthy one, and tag, un-tag, you are not it!"

So, guilt? Yes, guilt. I know I cannot be here but I walked out on my sick husband. No, I threw my sick husband out. And I have never regretted it, for one second, that's the truth.

I do, however feel a bit duped. Tricked. He said great things. He lied. He just didn't know it. I lied, too. Must have. I wonder if God will buy that? But I said the vows. Now those words are my responsibility, for my part. I wish I hadn't said them, now, but it would have looked strange on the wedding day, for sure. It was a great wedding, though. I did enjoy it, it was very 'us'. He was drinking, so he was at his best / worst, and I so desperately wanted to believe everything he said and promised. Still do. He knows exactly what I want to hear, how to manipulate my emotions in the most kind and gentle way. I fall flat on my face every time, or worse, back in 'love'. I have decided to develop immunity against that. My first step.

So I feel tied by a responsibility, not love. Something I have to do. Gotta do the right thing, right? Right by whom, I wonder? By the Laws of marriage? I still believe in marriage, not just mine.
I even checked the Ten Commandments to see what it said about marriage. No, I'm in the clear there. My vows however states the line 'as long as we both shall live'. Depressing. Does that mean I have to kill him? Well that will get me in trouble with those ten commandments though, and possibly the law in general. Not a great option. And I can't say it was self defense because he would never dream of lifting a hand to me.

I feel tied to him, by chains. The chains are my vows. I should never have married the alcoholic (hindsight, yes, is great), that's the bottom line, but I did. Now I feel tied to a man who drains the living daylight out of me.

But am I?

What if I have been forgiven for my mistake? By God himself?
What if I am actually free to move on in my recovery?
What if I am NOT judged by that horrible demon in my head who never shuts up?
What if I didn't know any better because I just didn't and made a huge mistake I cannot live with, but that is the Past?

What if I could stand up right now and have the courage to be me, and say, as I have said so many times in the past 'I have had enough' and actually stick with it? Easy to be brave in words, but one small step for wo-man...

Because as I sit here and type this, it strikes me that I am sitting here figuring out how to save a marriage and do whatever I can (half-heartedly, sorry), but he is not doing anything. And that is not my idea of a marriage, or a partnership.
I want to be with someone who is gentle with my soul, who doesn't cringe or run away and hide when I turn inside out, as I sometimes do.

And I want to be someone who jumps in the car and drives without a destination, but finds her way home again.
I just want to be me, again.

And yes, this was me, once!

Driving in the wrong lane -watch out!

2010-01-13T18:41:00.004+13:00

The tourists are killing themselves on our NZ roads. By the droves too it seems, if you believe the New Zealand Herald.
It turns out that you can drive in NZ on any drivers license for up to a year before you have to get a NZ license.
Or get to grip with the Road Code / rules.

The only thing they remind people of, is to drive on the left side of the road. Which is good because here in NZ everybody else drives on the left hand side of the road, so if you do too, that would be just dandy. Amen to that then huh?

So the tourists moan about getting speed fines, (but I didn't know I could only do 100 km/h, what's wrong with 130?) parking fines, (what do you mean it was only a one way street and I am parked the wrong way?) and drivers being rude to them.

Sorry folks. We are not nice on the road.
In NZ you will hear the nicest, most polite, well respected little lady driver mutter 'asian driver' under her breath. True. It is not that we are racist, it has become a common term. I believe they are putting it in the Road Code for next year. The way you drive in Asia is not quite the same way we drive here. And as I said above, if they have a license in Korea, China or Taiwan, they have a license in New Zealand. Sorry if that offends anyone, it is however what is happening. It is scary when you nearly get run off the road or come close to an accident. It's a knee jerk reaction. If only the Road Code was compulsory, sigh.

Most people getting killed on the roads, however get killed because they drive in the wrong lane, i.e. driving on the wrong side of the road. And that's freaky. No one wants to die, period.

If only there was a Road Code for life's highways and byways too. Many would say there already was one, the Bible, and sure, it covers the basics. I just find that I still need more help.
Because that particular road code is not helping me right now to figure out what and how to deal with my life. It tells me I have to stay married even if I don't think I can. Sure, I would like to (up for debate to be honest), but I have lived more apart from my husband than together (and don't say that is why it is not working out), felt more alone in the marriage that out of it, never been more depressed than when I was in it.

Hopefully if breaking the covenant I am not breaking the Road Code and moving into the wrong lane. Hopefully a bolt won't come down from heaven and zap me to ash, saying BAD GIRL!
Watch this space... ZAP!

Dying for a drink?

2010-01-10T21:14:00.007+13:00

Possible the message we hear the most is to not drink and drive. Especially on road-signs. Here in NZ the most common ones are 'Drink, Drive, Die', or 'If you drink and drive , you're a bloody idiot'. Not sure if it works, but there seems to be a need for this in-your-face advertising. It's on Tv as well, graphic, to the point, in your face.

Most of us don't drink and drive, anyway, although a surprising amount do. The age for buying alcohol has been lowered to 18 from 20. Supermarkets sell cheap alcohol they hardly make money on and many pubs don't bother asking for ID.

It makes me think about the people who drink and then try to drive their lives. For some, it just doesn't seem to work.

For some, drinking is relaxing, enjoyable and sociable.
For some, it is pure poison, with the devil himself holding the bottle, urging another drink, another sip, to quench the addiction.

No, I'm not a do-gooder here to spiel about the dangers of drink.

I have an alcoholic in my life, and his addiction is slowly killing me, at least that's what it feels like. Killing me because every time I walk away from him, I come back to him again. Everytime I make a decision and stay strong, it doesn't last long. I married him, but made him move out after a year, it got too bad. Then he stopped drinking, went to church, went to work, and never stopped calling. And he thinks he is under control. Wants to have fun, etc. And drinks, just a bit, because he is under control again.
And me? The perfect little co-dependent little wife, started healing, started getting better, and now, I am back as a passenger in his car, again.
He doesn't understand, or believe my no. Because I still love the man, but I am married to the addiction, I keep going back. I do miss him, you know? Although we will never live together again. I am torn between getting on without him, and getting on with him.
Isn't that the definition of insanity? To do the same thing over and over but expect different results.

I never liked being in the car with him. He drives to fast, although I trust him. He is a good man. They can write that on my gravestone; 'Here lies a victim of drunk driving. She did the best she could!'

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I am tired. I'm thinking, something has got to change? I'm really into change, personal awareness. I am creative. So why doesn't it change? There must be something I have overlooked. I even have God, but he is so quiet.

I start to change lanes, and then I'm suddenly back in the old lane, without noticing. It is starting to bother me, cause I am feeling hope, just around the corner, it just looks a bit scary getting there...

Going nowhere in the slow lane

2010-01-06T22:44:00.008+13:00

Something happened today, although nothing exceptionally drastic by any means. Nevertheless, today I didn't just change lanes, today I took an exit off the motorway, found a quiet place and came to a stop.

So, nothing drastic really. Unless you know me. I didn't even think I was going fast anyway, I mean, I am on holiday after all. But my body started getting sick, a cold, spluttering cough and generally tired 'dragging-myself-along-the-ground' type thing. My body wanted to rest. And here I was thinking that I hadn't done anything but jolly resting. It seemed this wasn't the case.
I realized that in all the time I have had off work, (a whole 10 days) I haven't had one day of just pure slobbing-around-doing-nothing -at-home. Sad.

This is normally how I slow down, my body gets sick and I am forced to lie for a few days unable to move, forced to look myself in the face and examine my life in a bit of a close up. And then I feel better and the foot slowly pushes the accelerator down and off I go.

So now it was the first day back at work, back at the clinic, and I am sick and cannot come in. The bank account didn't like that, but my clients were ok and rescheduled, good people that they are.

Today I was going nowhere, slowly, for a change. I have been quite busy going nowhere lately, I'm thinking sooner or later I must surely get my life together, at least a bit? Good thing about being under the weather (what does this actually mean? How can you be UNDER the weather? You can't be OVER the weather, or beside it, physically speaking. Anyway, I digress. Surely the English came up with it, enough said) is that I don't particularly worry about anything except getting better, I feel kinda numb.

So I slept until midday. Ahh, the decadence. Dragged myself up for a smoothie for breakkie, then spent the rest of the day reading the Book-Thief (by Markus Zusak). Actually finishing this brilliant, brilliant book. How on earth am I going to write a book like that? I mean, my book idea isn't half as cool as that one.
Death as a narrator really appeals to me, that's just cool.

So, now I just want to sit, kinda like a zombie (no I haven't taken drugs), noticing myself and my house almost as if for the first time. I haven't really stopped to focus on detail for a while, have stopped seeing the things in front of my nose. I realized I like this house (in summer), or I should say, I like where I am right now, in this moment.
Am I having an out-of-body experience? Or an inside-body experience perhaps?

Hopefully it won't last long, it's a bit un-nerving. I'm not sure how to handle walking this slow.

Roads afloat

2010-01-05T12:12:00.004+13:00

I love a good storm as much as the next person. There is something about the powerful winds showing off their strength and power, testing it against rest of Gods creation.

A storm is a bit like a Gladiator fight among Creation, to see who's the strongest.

I love being inside, snug and warm (and a bit coy) on stormy days, feeling belittled by the power outside but safe in my cocoon of a house, watching through the windows, feeling them rattle.

Todays storm wasn't a particular big storm by any means, but it was a storm nevertheless. However, I didn't get to be snug and cosy inside. No, I spent nearly five hours driving on the motorway, transporting my child from one location to the next (without being as cool as Jason Statham, nor having such cool car, sigh).

Now, motorway storm driving is a bit different kettle of fish. Something happens to people when it rains. They slow down. Now, you might think this is the sensible thing to do, and yes when the rain drives hard and fast horizontally and you just can't see out of the windscreen, despite the vipers being on turbo, yes it is. Can you feel the BUT coming here? Because it is.
BUT we have tyres that can grip the road with ease, because we just had them checked, right? And the roads are good and well maintained, right? Well, we are in NZ so don't take that for granted, but mostly, yes they are.
But peoples perceptions change when it rains,even if it just rains a little, so they slow down. Queues form. People snail in the fast lanes. People brake more often, causing a nice constantina effect. The roads become more dangerous, not because of of the rain but because of peoples attitudes.

So do we do this is in life? Heck yes.
This is when we perceive something to be the way it wasn't meant to. Which must mean that there is a certain truth about how things are?
We do it with people a lot too, huh. I perceived what you said to be a certain way and reacted accordingly, however it wasn't really what that person was saying, and now we have miscommunication and all hell breaks loose... Maybe that's just me and my husband.

Anyway, by the time I had done the turn around down in Coromandel (which was emptying out of holiday people by 85%), the rain had stopped and the sun started beating down alarmingly hot. Four seasons in a day, for sure. Now, all there was to consider was how to beat the enormous traffic queues building up. We all wanted to get back home as soon as possible, and we simply don't care how we do it. Driving i rain might be slow, but driving in a hot car makes us damn reckless.

Take a chance on me, take a chance on you

2010-01-03T09:46:00.001+13:00

There are no changing lanes in the sky. I'm watching as a small aircraft above me releases the rope that attaches to another aircraft, the one it has been towing. This one hasn't got a motor. It glides off quietly and quickly, sliding on the air currents that gives it lift. Silently it moves against the backdrop of the blue sky.
I loose sight of it almost immediately. There is quite a breeze here on the ground, so what must it be like up there?

All humans at one time or another, dream of soaring through the sky, of being free as a bird. No ties, no complications, no financial or relationship worries. At least that's what it looks like from the ground. We imagine what it must be like to not having to worry about paying rent, the mortgage, no food shopping, no fighting with the kids, spouse, in-laws, siblings etc.

Even up in that silent aircraft, there must a short space of being released, of letting go. For that moment when the towing rope is released, there must a complete sense of freedom, of falling, of trust and Faith. There must be a moment of Quiet. Of Silence. Of only hearing the sound of the rushing wind.
How absolutely terrifying. How thrilling!

Letting go is hard. Taking a chance is hard. Sometimes you have to make decisions right now, here and then and there is no chance to consider outcomes.
You need to change lanes? Don't think about whether to go or not.
A gap, an opportunity has opened up. If you hesitate, you will loose. If you indicate now, put your foot on the pedal and go for it, you will make it. That gap, that window, that door, is open for you, right now.
Don't think too long about whether to walk through or not. Just go. Take the shot. The door is open. But go now.
The towing rope is off, it is just me and the sound of the wind. Right here, right now, I am as free as I will ever be.

Ps. Goldstar if you recognize the who sang the song used in the title...

The Art of Dreaming

2010-01-02T12:32:00.005+13:00

The nicest thing about being a dreamer, is of course the time spent lost in dreaming.
If you don't consider yourself a dreamer, but would like to give it a try, beware that it can take up a lot of time. You may need to be able to multi task if you are going to get anything else done. After a while, it will become a habit, trust me.

However, there is an art to dreaming, as there are different kinds of dreaming. You have to learn the craft, like everything else. Some people have natural talent, and they have perfected this art since they were little. I fall into this category without hesitation. I love it. Some people call it imagination, some call it being away with the fairies. I call it creativity.
Now, if it doesn't come naturally, and if you still want to give it a go, here are two examples of the difference.

1) You can have a dream of having your book published, and it becoming a best-seller, or
2) you can dream up the story, loose yourself in the world of your particular story, the characters etc.

The first way of dreaming is probably the one that will make things happen. This is the dreaming that all the self-help books harp on about. 'Dream big'. 'If you don't have a dream, how are you going to make your dreams come true?' 'Obstacles can't steal your dream without your permission' etc.
I agree. These dreams are focused on outcomes, your dreams becoming the reality. We all need them if we want to achieve more than the daily grind of survival. 'When I live my dream, I take you with me,' sang David Bowie. I liked that.

The second kind of dreaming however, might not get anything done at all. It will, on the other hand, fire up your imagination, fire up a spark, or an interest. It will increase self-awareness and best of all, it will allow you some well deserved time-out from daily life. I see it as having an alternate reality that I can open the door to, and disappear into for a while. I don't even have to close my eyes.

When I am particularly in a worrisome mood, and the same thoughts go round and round my poor little brain until I think it will absolutely burst out of my ears, I open this door and take some time out somewhere else. Having a breather. Taking a breath. Time out. Changing lanes.

This kinda dreaming comes with a warning though... Sometimes, the dreaming is so much nicer that the reality, you may just want to stay there and never come out. This is bad, ok? And kinda greedy.
The solution for this, is Balance. I love balance. I would love to have balance in my life. I would go as far as to say I strive for it daily. I have no idea how to get it, however. I swing widely from one end of the spectrum to the other. Miss Pendulum, that's me. I see balance as the tantalizing fruit that is just out of reach, an image on a screen that I cannot touch.
I have been told there are grey areas, not everything is black and white. And I think I am seeing something greyish out of the corner of my eye. Hopefully it is real. Sometimes I get so lost in dreaming I forget where I am.
I would go as far as to say I have dreaming down to an art.

Traveling at speed

2010-01-01T22:33:00.005+13:00

So I find myself at the start of a New Year, that first fresh day that promises a New Start but so often ends up with much of the same stuff as last year. Let's face it, every day can be a fresh start, every morning is the start of a new day after all. Brand spanking, unlived and so far unexperienced. Especially here in New Zealand, the first country to see the sun, 12 hours ahead of Europe, 17 hours ahead of the US of A.

Anyway, I like the concept of the New Year, that fresh start, the cycle staring anew, the old year washed away. A New Year is a bit like a baptism where your sins get washed away and you emerge squeaky clean, forgiven. God promises not to remember any of that gunk of past experiences that made up the bad decisions that formed my past. It is a good feeling. We make promises, we talk about the past and look forward to all these great things we suddenly remember that we want to achieve.

Me, for example, sat in a hot spa pool with a glass of wine and gazed at the brilliant full moon that was beaming its almost golden light down on me. The air was still, some frogs croaked, fireworks went off. There I contemplated and fashioned some new shiny goals for myself and toasted the fact that the world didn't go under and come to an end in 2009. Silly me, it is not supposed to happen until 2012, didn't I know?

The undertaker in me says that it just proves that another year of my life has passed by, that I am another year older, perhaps wiser in experience but more often than not unable to use this wisdom in life. Phew. I have enough emotional baggage to derail a freight train.

So I am sitting here contemplating these thoughts of lane changing in my life, of fresh new starts and how I will be able to maintain the right speed on the motorway of my life.
My back in literally against a hot brick wall, the sun mercilessly beating down from a brilliant blue sky. It is called summer and right now it is as summery as it can get. I will be pulling off one heck of a tan from this too.

There are a few lane changes that I have to pull off in the coming year, like the story to be written, the new business venture to start up, the craft of writing to master. Then there is the relationship, come marriage, come separation to save. Will I be the hero, or will I fail?
There are more dreams to dream of future visions to come. Could be a busy year.