Undertaking or overtaking on the inside refers to the practice of overtaking (passing) a slower vehicle on the road using a lane to the left of the vehicle in countries where driving is on the left, or a lane to the right of the vehicle in countries where driving is on the right

24 March 2013

That's a perfect nail in the coffin, my dear

"Hi, my name is Susy and I am a perfectionist."
Is there a 12-step meeting for that, I wonder?

I used to enjoy writing my blog. Now I enjoy reading other peoples blogs instead of writing. Every man and his dog writes blogs, anyway, I don't have to write mine. Except I am not writing it because I don't want people to see the real me.
And with the people I mean the few people that will actually read it, the people who knows me, my friends, and family. And that's dumb, because they actually already know me, how quirky, direct, passionate and grumpy I really am.

Watching the ever inspiring Brene Brown and Oprah on Soul Sunday drove my issue home and the final nail into the coffin.

'We wear perfection as a shield to protect us from being seen.'

Ouch. I wear the shield of: 'I can control this, fix this, be in charge of this, my life, not because I want to be perfect, but because if I am totally locked in and feel safe I don't have to be vulnerable!'
Because vulnerability is not safe. It's weakness, and I am not weak.
I am starting to think now that on some level it is perfectionism that makes me weak, because I am actually really strong? And does that make me vulnerable?

Brene Brown says: "Many us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted"

(Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Life-Lessons-We-All-Need-to-Learn-Brene-Brown#ixzz2OQ9hEWd7)

Yes. Agree. And this is why I wrote a few days ago, in an email I never sent:

'Actually I have been hiding who I am so much I feel as if I am loosing who I am. I'm trying to be this one person on one hand being a mother (together, responsible, practical), then I am a business woman (together, responsible, practical)and then I go to work, yes you guessed it (together, responsible, practical), but me?
Fuck, I am irresponsible, lazy, scatterbrained, creative, don't really give a fuck, but also so caring it hurts.
And I struggle bringing them together because I am busy hiding bits away depending on who I am for the day.

I guess that's what it is like being human. I don't like it, though. Being human is so painful. And professionalism is a bitch sometimes.
I also understand that the creative writer in me is not the person who will answer a sales call in my business, or support a stressed out individual on the massage table. But, sometimes it wants to...

("Sorry I am waiting for the right egg."
"If we were all like you, there would be no creativity")

I also wrote that I think the things we do define us, which is why being busy feels so troubling and confusing right now because it doesn't feel like me.

And, since Oprah dared me to dare greatly, I am writing my blog.

I am a perfect broken dream, broken into a million little pieces,
and now I'm about to start putting them together again.

01 December 2011

Why I love Steampunk

Steampunk is a subgenre of science fiction, fantasy, alternate history, and speculative fiction that came into prominence during the 1980s and early 1990s.

Steampunk involves a setting where steam power is still widely used—usually Victorian era Britain—that incorporates elements of either science fiction or fantasy.

The fashion surrounding it is awesome.

Steampunk fashion has no set guidelines, but tends to synthesize modern styles influenced by the Victorian era.

You cannot help but fall in love. It is irresistible. It has it all, mixing up punk, goth, the victorian style all in one. I love these boots, sigh

So you buy stuff... Like this....... And this..... Sigh, so beautiful...

And these....

Steampunk-influenced outfits are usually accented with several technological and period accessories:



flying/driving goggles, and ray guns.

Guns, people, did you see that?

Like these guns (no, I didn't buy these) I saw at Armageddon, and then I stalked this cool little steampunk creature.

Works of steampunk often feature anachronistic
(=the representation of an event, person, or thing in a historical context in which it could not have occurred or existed) technology or futuristic innovations as Victorians may have envisioned them, based on a Victorian perspective on fashion, culture, architectural style, art, etc. This technology may include such fictional machines as those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne.

And then it is movies...
Like 9

And why not 'Eye of the Storm' by Lovett

Seriously people, what is there not to love...?

05 June 2011

It's been a while...

Yes, it has certainly been a while, and my poor blog has been left all abandoned.
It happens. This blog has rested, and so have I.

Actually, so much has happened in the last couple of months since my little 'crash' that I haven't been able to really assimilate all that has been going on.

I do feel as if I'm crawling back out from under a rock, squinting at the sun, going "Wow, check out all this life that is waiting out here. How did I miss it?"

Recovery is always a bit tricky, especially if it is more on a mental /emotional level, and not just physical.
It's tricky because you think that you have got so much further that you have, think that you have dealt with past experiences (like the breaking up of a marriage) and it's all full go ahead.

Then, you realized you moved too fast, and you have to back up the truck, slow it down, breathe and actually face it full on.
And what's great about it? It's never as bad as you thought it would be. It's almost the opposite. Is this all it was? Then you tick the 'accept' button, and THEN you move on.

Slowly, without rushing into things you thought would be just excellent for you, but isn't.
I realize I'm being a bit vague about stuff, but really, it's a bit personal... : )

Now I don't like dwelling on the past, I don't think it's healthy at all. People spend far too much time on the past experiences, which are only that. Past stuff. Nothing to do with the future, really. But sometime I think we need to learn from it. Grieve over things that ended, and fully get over it. And it doesn't have to take long, or maybe it does. Who knows. There are no rules. You make the rules. If you want to spend the rest of your life getting over something, then do it. Whose business is it really?
People won't like it, and they have opinions, but one thing I have learnt, and that is no matter what you do, or think or say, there will always be a person with an opinion about it. And it has nothing to do with me. It's about them.

So, one absolute positive is that now I am able to write again. Yuss.

And able to make time for it, and refusing to push it away for all the 'other' stuff that is always more important, like the Responsibility For Everything. The RFE is crushingly heavy at times.

Anyway, life is a bit like that, there will always be good stuff, there will always be 'bad' stuff, hard stuff, new stuff. The key is how you handle it when it happens.
That you know who you are. That, even if you don't like who you are at certain times, you can accept it, not judging, and move on.

Anyway, I'm off to sit in the sun and rest some more. Wicked and wild ideas come when I do.
And I do like that.

20 March 2011

Crashing at High Speed

I crashed today. Not literally, in my car and had an accident or anything.
No, I crashed in my body.
My mind is a terrible driver,
I'm starting to suspect it never got a driving license at all.
My mind behaves more like an underaged,
illegal crazed teenaged driver
that somehow is in charge of far more than it is capable of,
like my life!

I thought I was handling things pretty good, looking after myself,
scheduling my time,
doing things that I actually like to do,
training Aiki, learning some chi-gong, building my business(es).

So why on earth did I then think that taking on some study on top of all that
was a good thing to do?
Because I could go back and
do the third year of my degree.
And I don't want to be lazy, and
I can't just settle for what I do as enough, can I now?
Did it fail to notice that we have just moved house and that I am a single mum to two teenage boys?
Ah, this is a teenage-driven mind, it frankly doesn't care.

My mind is cruel.
It drives me mercifully at a pace that is more like just below
'out of control' @ 260 km/h on a windy road.
And it takes all my attention to stay focused on the road.
Any more speed and we crash.

Yes I know the symptoms; the exhaustion, the shallow breathing,
the 'I-have-no-time' anxiety, the feeling of being un-well,
eating fast foods and sugar for fast energy, feeding the moment.

So, remembering last times repeat, I have a strategy in place.
It is called Stop-Drop-Roll (and is used by the fire service for when you catch on fire).

Stop everything. Walk away. Sit down somewhere that is not your computer. Have a cup of tea. Stare out the window.
Watch the clouds. Watch your thoughts, but don't attach. They got you here in the first place, and thoughts never stop,
so you better detach to what they are saying.
My favorite is just lying on top of my bed (I love my bed btw, I never spend enough time in it), staring out the window.
I'm not allowed to move. I force myself to breathe deeply.
Somehow this seems to calm my mind and I feel able to sort my thoughts and put things in perspective.

Drop everything. Every project. Drop it like a hot potato. Not dropping it as in not finishing it, oh no.
Just step away from it. Save it, file in, minimize it, walk away.
Pretend you are someone else looking at your life. What does it look like?
What's a priority? What is actually stressing you out? Why? Are you un-organized? Do you resent what you're doing?
Isolate each thing that you do. Write it down. Break the task up.
Have you attached things to it emotionally (this will prove that I am good enough etc)?
Be honest.

Roll with the punches. Accept what is dealt to you.
Don't fight it. Don't get even.
Get better.
When things don't go your way, adapt to the changes, keeping moving around,
like a boxer checking out the opponent, anticipating their next move.
Realize that the only person you have any power over, is yourself.
No-one will ever change your life, or make decisions that will make life
better for you, unless you have focused yourself first.

So, this is what works for me.
And although I keep making the same mistakes over and over,
I'm getting better at handling it each time it happens.
I'm taking my mind for a drivers test and a defensive driving course though...
However, first I'm going back to lie on my bed for a while.

25 February 2011

Shake, rattle and roll...

Man, I haven't been here since Halloween, talk about vanishing into thin air, like a ghost.
But ghost I am not, yet.

A lot of things going on, as usual (new year, moved house, back to school, started Aikido etc) but it's hard here in NZ not to think about
anything but the Christchurch earthquake on tuesday the 22 Feb, which has left the the city in shambles.
Many people are still missing, presumed dead under buildings, and people are starting to give up hope of finding them alive.

NZ is a pretty small country with only 4 million people, so something like this affects almost everybody in some way.
It's amazing to see the rescue teams of people flooding in from around the world, and how everybody is trying to keep positive and keeping their spirits high. The leadership is rock solid and a guy interviewed from the UK rescue team he had never seen an operation running so well co-ordinated.

I thought today, yes, this is what New Zealanders do best, help others so they can stop thinking about their own lives. If you can't do anything about your own life, help someone else. Which in this case is obviously turning out for the best.
I don't mean that people should be/are selfish, I just mean that kiwis in general try to be pretty staunch and pretend everything is fine "she'll be alright, mate', and it is with relief that they can rush to help other people. No wonder kiwis are loved all around the world!

Right now a National State of Emergency has been declared, and the national census has been cancelled until next year.
People are working around the clock down down there, and it's emotional just watching the news coverage.
People don't have water, power or sewage. Heck, a lot of people don't even have houses anymore and sleep in shelters! The photos looks like a bomb site and could be from Iraq or any war torn country, not beautiful little Christchurch...

My heart go out to them...

31 October 2010

Trick or Treat, smell my feet

I don't have anything against Halloween, or kids trick or treating, however weird it is that we send our children out on the streets begging for candy from strangers, even knocking on their doors for heaven's sake.

Or the fact that we dress up as 'evil spirits' that people have to bribe to keep away from their doors, which is how it started.
I always make the kids do a trick, and give them something for their (often very pathetic) efforts.

This year, however, I forgot that it was Halloween on the sunday, as every party had already been on the saturday. So, when I hastily and groggily did my shopping sunday morning, I didn't stock up on extra lollies etc, remembering I had enough chocolate FOR ME, which is really, in my eyes, all that matter.

Later that afternoon, having a wee luxurious nanna nap, I got woken up by the first knock on the door. I throw some of my chocolates at the little kids who hadn't made a very good effort on their costumes and carried bags taller than themselves.
Soon came the second knock, and same thing happens.

By now I realize my chocolate stocks are dwindling far too quickly for my liking.

When the next knock appears, me and my 15 year old look at each other. No words are needed, the look says it all. 'Just keep quiet and they will go away'. Which they eventually do after trying to break my door down AND look into the windows.

So being faced with the moral dilemma of having to open the door and send the kids away empty handed (and disappointed) or pretending that no-one is home, I decide on a plan.

I write a note.
The note says: 'To all trick or treaters, we forgot to buy lollies. Sorry' and I put it on the door. This is my nice, friendly way of saying 'please fuck off, leave me alone, I have nothing to give you, hassle someone else.'

It worked a treat (excuse the pun). Until they started using the back door, which I had left open (it's a sunny day) as it leads into my backyard and has a gate which is hard to open.

By now, both me and my son has retreated into my older sons bedroom, which has Playstation blaring at a rather high volume.
Rachet and Clank has never been so mesmerizing. We simply cannot leave. I still hear them knocking and feel bad (it's kids, after all), but I suppress it.

It's then, that I hear The Mother. Yes, capital M. Don't get me wrong. I fully agree that parents should keep an eye on their kids while they are encouraging 'stranger danger' and check for razor blades in the candy. They also tend to stand behind their children, staring menacingly, eyes blaring a silent 'Give.My.Child.Lollies.You.Tight.Ass.Or.Else'
All in the name of neighborly love and evil spirits.

But this mother says, rather loudly, right into my hallway 'Never mind, these people can't obviously be bothered, let's go and find someone else that is nice'.
Maybe her child is actually deaf and she is used to shouting. But at my backdoor?

'Bitch', I'm thinking. I'm feeling bad enough already, which I shouldn't really. Why couldn't she use my front door which has the note on it? What makes her think she can come to my house anyway?

And had it not been for the fact that I was hiding cowardly in my sons bedroom, I would have come and told her exactly what I thought about it all.

I hope her child's teeth rot.
Next year I might get the 'BB' gun out and throw water balloons at them all. Especially the mothers.
See how they like that for a treat!

Hope you guys had a better time!

28 October 2010

How to battle Ninjas

Stray random thoughts move through the mind like Ninjas, sleek, silent and deadly. That's what my last post was about, the Ninja party going on in my head. So, after giving it some thought and dealing with these pesky (but quite cool) 'creatures' / thoughts, I came up with a list.

The following are my proven weapons of choice in how to battle Ninjas.

1. Learn Ninjutsu , the martial art, strategy, and tactics of unconventional guerilla warfare, as well as the art of espionage, mainly practiced by the shinobi (commonly known outside of Japan as ninja).
18 skills, 18 principles and some dead cool weapons! Ok, so this might not be for everyone, I understand, but don't under-estimate the ninjas. Just saying.

2. Sleep. Always works, for fixing everything, at least for me. H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired)? Sleep. It feels better after. Ninja-thoughts hate sleep. Sleeping is time out, and its my only real me-time. I just don't do it enough. Sleep can banish Ninjas as fast as you can say Wakizashi (oh, look it up, will ya)

3. Running. Pound the pavement, the road, the track, the trail, pump the i-pod running playlist, mine currently playing A Perfect Circle, Foo Fighters, Rise Against, Metallica, Alabama 3, 30 seconds to Mars and... Adam Lambert? How the hell did he sneak in there? A Ninja trick, for sure, to slow you down. I don't think Ninjas are fond of running.

4. Pearl suggested Yoga. A bit slow for me, I do like the idea of it, but never the practise... I'm sooo impatient.

5. Martial art other than the art of the ninja. How about Aikido?
Did you know that Aikido means 'The Way of Harmony (of Spirit)? How utterly cool is that. I mean, isn't that what I have been searching for? My spirit, as powerful as it is, is at war, and not just with Ninjas. It has to fight my soul, my flesh, my past, my old attitudes that don't serve me anymore (but that I lug around nevertheless) and so on. My spirit, I believe, is perfect, and will always be. It just needs to be integrated.
A very 'wise' Sensei (and he might laugh at the wise bit, but heck, flattery always works, right?) said recently: "you'll find as you peel back one layer there is something more valuable underneath... the relaxation and centring alone will help with the "monkey-mind". He meant the Ninja mind, I refuse to picture monkeys in there, they can't use the cool weapons or anything!

6. Ok, last, but not least, the mightiest weapon of all. WRITE IT ALL DOWN. Yep, it's true. The pen, and the written word, is indeed, mightier than the sword. Journal, Diary, scrap pieces of paper, note books, computer, stories, empty the head of the thoughts, fill the pages, see the sleek, silent ninjas disappear onto the pages, and they simply won't bother you anymore. For now, anyway.

So, what's your weapon of choice for battling Ninjas?